Last week, (on the morning of our 22nd anniversary), I had put on a dress only for my husband to suggest that I wear a different outfit. I thought it worked for the occasion. But I heard his thoughts and I decided to change.

The irony is that when I saw the shirt he was wearing, I suggested he try a different color. (And I assure you I wasn’t saying it out of spite.) He was content with how it appeared but he heard my thoughts and also, changed.

Here’s the thing: we understood the intent was to look our best so we didn’t engage in a squabble about these interactions. In fact, we were actually content with the final ensembles. 

As we rode in the car, I found myself chuckling about this encounter.

Throughout the course of our marriage, each of us has seen flaws in the other. When we were young and foolish, we were quick to point fingers:
“I’m calm, but you get really loud when you’re angry. Fix it.”
“I say what I’m feeling, but you bottle it up. Change it.”

Let’s just say that didn’t work out too well for us.

As we became more seasoned, we learned that we had to change our approach. 

And it all began with pie … humble pie. 
We each had to recognize that we are imperfect individuals with weaknesses. We wouldn’t even be here if it weren’t for God’s grace. So who did we think we were to point out the speck in each other’s eye when we had a plank in our own? (paraphrased from Matthew 7:5)

I wish that was enough. 

But, we also had to change how we spoke. 
We had to pause to pray about what we were going to say.
We even had to ask ourselves if what we were about to say was intended to be helpful or hurtful. 
Once we opened our mouths, we had to watch our tone and volume to avoid sounding as if we were in attack mode. 
Colossians 4:6 (MSG) says it best: “Be gracious in your speech. The goal is to bring out the best in others in a conversation, not put them down,”.

And as the person on the receiving end, we had to work on our hearts.
We had to choose not to be defensive.
We also had to ask God to help us receive with understanding, just as Solomon prayed in 1 Kings 3:9 (NLT).

Ultimately, once the flaw was pointed out, it was still our own choice whether or not we were going to do something about it. 

But I’ll tell you one thing: as challenging as it is to make some of the changes, we have no regrets. We each can say with confidence that we are better people today because of such conversations.
~Joyce