My husband and I had the privilege of celebrating our 24th anniversary this weekend. If I were to sum up our journey in a few words, I would say: marriage takes work.
Perhaps that didn’t paint a flowery picture for you, but allow me to explain.
When we were newlyweds, we thought we could wake up each morning and all would be well in our world: “He will read my mind and treat me like a queen.” “She will agree to everything I say and treat me like a king.” In other words, it would be effortless and require zero intentionality on our part based on the fact that we love each other.
Through our many ups and downs, we realized our communication required an overhaul.
A verse that guided us is James 1:19 which states, “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry”.
So here’s a few things we have learned:
DISCUSS YOUR EXPECTATIONS. I expected my husband to celebrate me big on my birthday and he expected me to pick up after him. News flash: your spouse may be amazing but they are not mind readers. We need to talk to each other about our expectations. Such a discussion will lead to the conclusion whether these expectations are realistic or not. More importantly, it will help prevent disappointment from unmet expectations.
LISTEN, NOT FIX. There were a lot of times when I just wanted to vent. I was not looking for a solution, but my husband was busy trying to figure out how to fix the problem. Validating your spouse’s feelings and empathizing with them goes a long way.
HAVE UNDERSTANDING. Proverbs 22:17 states, “Incline your ear and hear the words of the wise, and apply your mind to my knowledge.” When my husband brought an issue to my attention, I was busy creating a mental list with bullet points. Instead of focusing on hearing correctly, I was focused on being right and defending myself. In The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey states, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”
IT’S ABOUT THE TIMING. My husband and I were definitely riding the struggle bus in this area. Because he’s a morning person, he woke up ready to make big decisions when my eyes were barely open. Because I’m a night owl, I brought up serious matters when his eyes were half closed. Proverbs 15:23 reminds us, “… how good is a timely word!” We began to implement advice by Rob Flood from Family Life: “Schedule a time to talk when you aren’t distracted by things that could H.A.L.T. the healthiness of your discussions. Don’t discuss things when either of you is “Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired” if it’s at all possible!”
PRAY. Ephesians 6:18 tells us, “And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers.” With the amount of miscommunication and misunderstandings over our 2+ decades together, we realized we desperately needed God’s help. Ask the Lord to help you in how you listen and speak and also, ask the Lord to help your spouse in how they listen and speak.
This kind of work in marriage is not easy, but it is absolutely worth it. We’re just two imperfect people whose perfect Lord softened our hearts to be intentional in our communication with each other.
Dear Friend, I pray that this encourages you today.
~Joyce
