My father-in-law recently celebrated a milestone birthday. He has been my father for the past ten years, and as we prepared to honor him, I was reminded of the impact he has made on me and our family.
When I got married, I not only gained a husband, but I also inherited a second set of parents. The in-law relationship is definitely a unique one. I realized early on that I had a choice to make: the transition could either be smooth or rocky. I wanted to be intentional and my goal was to love my in-laws like my own.
For anyone who is planning on marriage, here are a few things I have been taught and am still learning along the way:
- Don’t be afraid to tell your in-laws you love them: About two hours after meeting my future father-in-law for the FIRST TIME, he said these words: “We love you!” He certainly didn’t shy away from revealing how he felt. I was honored to have been received that way, although my husband was upset that his dad beat him to saying the “L” word first. :). It may take months or even years for you to respond back with those precious words because it takes time to develop that kind of love for your new father or mother. As your relationship grows, your love will, too. Say it only when you truly mean it.
- Get started early: When my husband and I were courting, I remember calling my future mother-in-law at work just to chat. We had a light-hearted conversation, and it helped to break the ice. I had heard so many negative stories about in-laws and wanted to prevent that for myself. Building any relationship takes time and effort, and it was well worth it to get a head start.
- Be understanding: Your spouse was raised with a different set of rules. Even if you don’t agree with all of them, take time to understand the circumstances. Parents have only one chance in raising the next generation, and no one is perfect. I know that all too well from my own motherhood experience. Keeping an open mind and listening to the rationale behind why and how your spouse was raised helps to limit judgement and strengthens the bond you have with your new parents.
- Pray for them: Whatever burdens they carry, your spouse carries to a certain extent. Pray for your in-laws and care for them like your own parents. When you start to do this, your love for them will grow deeper. If you don’t regard them as your own just yet, pray about that, too! God knows your heart.
- Make time for them: Be intentional and spend quality time talking to them and sharing your dreams. Visit when you can. They have learned life lessons along the way and can teach you what worked and what didn’t. Respect them and honor them, and we can do that by carving out time with them.
I realize that everyone has their own unique story, and many who are reading this may be dealing with hurdles in their relationship with in-laws. There are many factors, including distance, circumstances, and possibly past hurts that can complicate things.
Trust that God will help you build a bond regardless of those obstacles. Despite what you have heard, it is very possible to have a healthy connection with your in-laws. May these simple life lessons that I have learned over the years be of value in your own relationships.
“Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you.” Exodus 20:12 NIV
*photo: My father-in-law embracing me after the birth of my first child
~Elizabeth
