How is your memory? 

I would like to blame my age, but the truth is my husband, Lance, and I have struggled with remembering things for a while now. Thank God for Google calendars. 

This memory issue was really brought to light on our 20th anniversary. Because Covid had prevented our travel plans from happening, Lance arranged a “trip down memory lane” instead. He planned out our day, including driving to significant places in our relationship journey.

Once I knew the agenda, I anticipated our first stop would be where we had our first “real” conversation. As Lance started driving, it was quickly evident that we weren’t going where I thought. I asked him about it and soon realized, we had 2 different memories of where that conversation took place! 

I was completely convinced I was right, and of course, he was just as sure he was right. We proceeded to do what any rational couple would do – we phoned a friend. This person was with us that day, so she could set the record straight … and then Lance would finally know how wrong he was.

That did not turn out how I thought it would. She quickly confirmed Lance’s version of the story. (Insert hand over face emoji here)

I couldn’t believe it. How could I have forgotten such a big detail of such a significant moment of our lives?? That wasn’t the first and it wouldn’t be the last time my memory had failed me in our relationship. 

You may have discovered this like I have … our memories aren’t always accurate. Maybe you’ve also realized that it’s easy to remember the bad things and hard to remember the good things. (Apparently,I struggle with all of the above.) This is true about our lives in general, and especially true in our marriages. 

Maybe that’s why Paul addresses this in what has now become known as the “Love Chapter”. He specifically instructs us to “…keep no record of wrongs…” (1 Corinthians 13:5). 

Anyone else agree this is easier said than done? 

I may not have a written list, but I don’t need one. Ask me about Lance’s quirks and I can fill you in. Ask me what I do to annoy Lance, and I may have to think a little bit harder. 

Our minds tend to focus on the good things we’ve done, and the bad things our spouses do. We justify ourselves based on our intent, but judge them based on their actions. We accuse them of “always” and “never”. 

When disagreements happen in a marriage, we don’t always have the luxury of “phoning a friend”. It’s basically your word against theirs.

Scripture provides some guidance for this:

“Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.” (1 Corinthians 13:6)

“I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse…” (Philippians 4:8-9, MSG)

Practically speaking … how about “keeping a record of rights”? This isn’t a scorecard of who did more right things than the other person. It is an altar of remembrance. That sounds dramatic, but there’s a lot that our spouses do right that gets diluted in the mundane. But it shouldn’t. These little moments are the building blocks of our relationships.

Did your husband wash the dishes? Did your wife wash the clothes? 

Did your husband get the oil changed? Did your wife get the groceries?

Did your husband plan your vacation? Did your wife prep the meals?

The truth isn’t based on memory. It is established in accuracy and facts. Keeping a record of rights will provide some much needed balance to the record of wrongs we subconsciously have already ingrained in our minds. 

Our memories may fail, but love never does. And that is the truth.

~ Anu